There are times I am thinking that I had wasted the chance of writing everything I created in my mind. Those stories that just came in during my alone times that might be something worth remembering by now… If only I wrote them all. I lost it… I lost all the stories that I might be reading nowadays. So, I could say that I have done something interesting from the past that could be something I can focus on today.
I am not actually the one who likes reading. I easily get bored and sleepy, but now it’s different. I love it, especially if it’s something about reality or life experiences. I like the stories of other people’s life experiences, because it inspires me to write my own. It gives me time to continue making stories in my mind that I could also share like what I am doing right now.
I can see that something has changed in me when I started writing. It makes me feel calm, relax, and peaceful. If only I had thought to start it earlier, maybe I could say that I have done something worthy from the past. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t have a worthy life before… I am just saying that I should have done more or something different, and not to have that go-with-the-flow attitude. I can’t see myself that I have done great things in the past, because I really didn’t. I have tried few things, yet so simple… I just tried to go on an audition in a television contest, but I didn’t push myself to step forward and give another try. I just made drawing as a hobby during my free time, but I didn’t try to use it for something meaningful. I just enhanced my voice ones, but I haven’t tried to go to a voice lesson. I just make my life as simple as possible without trying to make it more challenging and meaningful. I had so many chances to develop everything in me… If only I continue. I had so many years to make myself better than now. But, I have wasted them all. I am now on my 26th, but then, I can’t even say that I have something to be proud of. Is there something wrong with me? Am I not contented in what I have now? No, it’s not what I mean. Of course, I am contented because I have a comfortable life. My mama was working abroad since I was young, so I grew up with my grandparents. She had made my life really comfortable even she’s far away from me. She always gives me what I want as long as she can. I just regret one thing back then… to save. Then, when I turned 18 I have made a decision that I want to be independent. I just want to experience to earn, and my mama didn’t stop me to try it. I can go back anyway.
During those days, I started thinking to set some goals and one of them is to have my future career in other country. I want to work in an airline, hotel, restaurant, or resort. I was like imagining myself working in any of those, but it was different from the one I finished in college. I took up Business Administration course major in Finance. So now, I am working in a corporation focusing on my course. It was not my plan. Time just let me follow that path.
I could say that I am still lucky to reach this level. I am now working and earning, but… there is something that makes me feel incomplete. It was like waking up in the morning, then you suddenly thought for something really serious, but you don’t have any idea where it came from.
I really don’t know what’s going on with me. I am not even sure why I have this kind of feeling. Parang may kulang… Parang may gusto pa akong gawin… Pero hindi ko pa alam kung ano talaga. I don’t know how long this feeling will stay. Honestly, I have been with this kind of feeling since I started to make my own decision. Its seven years now. Seven years of finding the right answer for that big question mark in my life.
Ano nga ba talaga yung gusto kong pagtuunan ng pansin? Ano ba yung kulang para mabuo ako? Bakit hanggang ngayon hinahanap ko parin?
Sad to say…
I am not sure what I should or must do tomorrow… But I am hoping to discover it soon, while I am still young. Kahit pakiramdam ko sobrang late na.
Have you ever felt this kind of feeling? Have you ever tried your best to think what you should have done before?
Medyo nakakapagod isipin at nakakasayang ng panahon. Sana… makita ko na yung matagal ko nang hinahanap. Sana malaman ko na yung gusto ko talagang gawin sa buhay ko.
Still Lost, Self